Talking about others

So, I have had a lot of things on my mind. 
  I have been thinking about words. Words we use to each other and words we say to others. 
  Words do not always intend to hurt. Sometimes they are matter of fact. 
 However, words hurt. 
  When I was younger, not a whole lot smaller, but I was in 5th grade, there were a group of boys that would follow me on the play ground during lunch. They would say really mean and hurtful things to me. I would come home and tell my mom. The things they said would really ruin my whole day. I would have a perfectly fine day, but by lunch time would come around, my day would be destroyed. Everyday I would come home and tell my mom about it. 
  I played the cello in the morning and would carry my cello with me to school an hour sometimes two hours before school started. The boys that would be really mean to me on the playground had older siblings that would go to school with my older sisters. They, too would pick on me. I would try everything I could to not walk near the bus stops and even I would go across the street to avoid walking near the bus stops. I had to be at the school at /:15 to set up  my cello and play by 7:25-7:30. We would play until 8:45. I would come home from playing the cello and beg my parents to take me to the school the next day. My parents would say things lie... Tell them I 'm sorry you feel that way... Or try ignoring them... MY parents would even tell me the all time favorite lie parents tell their daughters when a boy is bullying:"Boys do that because they have a big crush on you" bit. I did everything that my parents told me. I would say the stupid things they would tell me to say, I would ignore them when they told me to, but much to my chagrin, the boys got worse. Everyday it was worse and worse. There were about 4-5 boys. Sometimes, on the way home from school the boys would throw rocks at me. They would hit me in the back of the head, they would throw dirt at me and they would kick me. One day the boys threw burrs in my hair. I had long hair and my mom and I were allergic to the burrs and my mom had to spend about two hours getting the burrs out of my hair. When that happened, I thought,"Like me? They LİKE ME???" I really started to grow a sense of resentment towards the fact that my parents were so complacent to the situation. I felt like I was deserted by everyone. By the end of the school year, I was so happy that I had three months away from the boys.(I had to see them at church and a couple of the kids were in my Sunday School Class) Our family was going to spend the whole Summer in Alaska and I would not have to endure them for a long time. To say the least I was so excited because by the time I left 5th Grade, They had decided to include in their Vendetta against me many of the girls in my own class, In deed I was being pecked at by many kids before the Summer had begun. 
   When I came back for 6th Grade, I was the tallest in the class and even taller than my Teacher, who was actually really very tall. I was about an inch taller than her and I was 5' 9". 
  ıt only took about four days into the school year for the ids  to start up on their being mean to me again. I could not understand it. I was tired of it. The teasing got more and more worse. 
  One day, I thought... I will snap. I did. One boy whom I shall remain here nameless but I will call him Hermie Wah Wah because that is what I named him because he was not nice to me at all... Took my pencil. We were taking a test where you have to use only pencils and color in the bubble.. He took the only pencil I had right out of my hand. I was shocked. He was violating the rules. The teacher said to us that there will be no talking, do not look at anyone's papers, if you need to get up raise your hand and the teacher will come to you and you can tel her what you need. So, I raised my hand. Seeing that this was a time issue because the tests were timed, I had raised my hand for 3 minutes but it felt like 15, I told him... Give me my pencil. No, he said and was smiling. I said give it now. He smiled and said No. I said I am going to count to 5 if you do not give me my pencil you will regret taking it. One... He stuck his tıngue out at me. Two, he smiled and threw my pencil. Three he started laughing Four... He sat there and Five... POW... I socked him right in the eye as hard as I could. He went flying out of his seat. I was shocked he went flying. I honestly thought he would just sit there but he went flying. Next thing I knew it I was being dragged out into the hallway where the teacher was so upset at me. ME! Hermie stole my pencil, threw it across the room and I told him he was going to regret doing it. I warned him before I punched him and I was nice... I counted before punching him, too. I felt like I was being fair because of all the ridicule I had been through up to the point that one more thing just really pushed  me over the edge. My teacher said Why? I said I raised my hand, You did not come, I had to finish my test and He would not give it back. I counted before I punched him and I told him 4 times before to give me my pencil back. She was at a loss. I was never like that before the bullies. I really had no idea he would go flying like that but I did intend to punch him. I did not get suspended, nor did I get a write up. I did have to take the test alone and in another room but that did not bother  me the least amount. What happened? Hermie went home with a badly bruised nose, and two black eyes. What happened to everyone around me? They stopped all mean things to me. One girl was mean to me, I pulled her hair really hard and after that we became the best of friends. She is still my friend to this day. We even joke about all the things we used to do together. Those boys? They were my friends on FB... And a couple of years ago for some reason Snuggle told me to delete them from FB... But we actually became really good friend. 
 The point to this is that there is a saying, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." For some reason I never bought into that. Words hurt me and worse than most people. 
  What did I learn about those bullies? What I learned is that people are bullies to people and will say things to them and about them, but the more they speak ill or think about someone, the easier it is to continue to speak and thin badly about those around you. It is human to judge others and to be rude. It is not the right way to be though, and interesting enough, the more rude or bad you think about others, the worse you feel about yourself! It is so easy to think and speak very badly about others when they are not in the room. But what does that do to you? First of all it makes you look bad. Second of all, there is a type of person that does that and people do not trust them. Third of all they end up really having a poor self esteem because the whole reason they are speaking ill about others is to make themselves feel better but it does not work that way. The exact opposite happens. They actually start feeling like they are being thought ill about the person they are speaking ill about. Sometimes, and in most cases this can be true, If they speak the same language. However, when the person that is being spoken about is in a different country and even in a place where they do not speak that language, they do not hear nor understand all that is being said about them, they do not have to hear all the bad. So that means that they do not think badly about the person that is in fact talking bad about them. I think for the person being rude and speaking badly about the person that is not done anything... That is good redemption time. That can be a blessing. 
  It never ever is a good thing to speak bad about others because there is no good that comes out of it. 
 It makes you ... The person talking... Like you are the one with the problem
The person you are talking about can not trust you
The person you are talking about feels uncomfortable
You make it uncomfortable when you talk about others in a bad way behind thier back
It brings a negative feeling around you
It makes others think "If she or he can say that about that erson what are they saying when I am not there about me?"
 I have never tolerated this type of behavior and I found that those that do have nothing in their lives but the want of creating a soap Opera that does not exist but rather, a perpetual dramatization of  Wo is me and how bad my life is... Let's pick on someone today to make myself feel better... 
 I have also found that speaking bad about others makes it easier and easier to dislike that person. There are few people in life I really dislike. Fewer people I hate. Yes, I hate a few people in my life. But, I would not even talk ill about those people because I feel that it only causes me to look bad and I really do not want to hate anyone. I find that taking it to the next level by not just talking about someone but continually finding false with that person is such an easy out to something more sinister. I think there is a deep rooted jealousy and envy over something. Maybe is attention, maybe is something else but I really find that on a continuous basis someone that keeps looking for the bad things in someone... There is somethings more sinister plan that is going on and for that I am taking my discernment and staying away from any of those people. 
 I have also thought to post this song on my blog because it is how I feel about how people can say bad about me when they have no idea about me


    I can not get this song on here... Ugh



This is the perfect song for how I feel about people talking bad about me

The Albion Basin

Today I went with my mom to the Albion Basin.  The picture below is a sampling of what my mom and I took yesterday! I can not wait for the battery of the camera I am borrowing to charge!

I just love the Rockies! Rocky Mountain High!

  It was gorgeous. We hiked on the Cecret Trail and was going to go to the Lake (I really wanted to go) When we got .6 of the 1.6 miles there we took many pictures and my mom felt like she could not go more and I did not want to leave here there to finish the hike. We were sitting n the valley, taking pictures of each other and I took off my shoes to look like I was barefooted. My mom said we have some really great pictures of me. I am excited to post them. There are trails all over the Basin and the mountains were just stunning. The day was over cast and sadly my mom and I were hoping to get some sun but that really did not happen because it was so over cast. We walked back to the Basin area, although we did not go in the Basin, we were on the out skirts. 

   We decided to get more pictures of me and my mom in the meadow parts and I put my Camel back down on the ground so I did not have it on my back in the pictures. Little did I know that it was sitting on an ant hill.   I was taking pictures of my mom while she was in fields of Forget-me-nots. They are growing abundantly there and there were orange flowers and yellow daisies. It was just stunning. My mom and I were on the out side of the Basin for about 15 minutes in the latter part of our journey. All the while the ants were nervously scurrying, and I decided to sit down right where I put my Camel Back. I had no idea I was right on the ant hill and I looked down and saw these ants, rather big ones, yet black, all over my camelback. I said to my mom about how big they were and just then realized they were all over my shoes. I got up from where I was sitting and started swiping them off of me. 

 I walked away from the hill but they were still all over and I was trying to get them off my legs,and feet (even with my shoes on) when I said to my mom they were starting to bite me. My mom said "Black ones do not bite" I said mom they really are biting me. She then said "I am sure they will not bite as hard". When while I was still trying to get them off of me and some had crawled up my shorts and started biting my bottom, but I got some on my ankles and legs too! My mom started getting bites on her neck but she was not even sitting near where I was. "Ouch" she said and started swiping a couple off her neck. I said,"What happened?" She said I think "I am getting bit too". I said, "They don't bite as hard now?" and we laughed about it but I got a few bites on my bottom, and thought when I get home I will put bleach on them (because that is what you do when you get a bee sting or ant bites). 

   Well, I will post pictures later, but let me just say: Good thing that I have such a wonderful man! Because don't you think it would be just stupid and insane if I were to only say, "I got bit by ants on my butt today" and try to tell him what happened, but I got to "I got bit by ants today" and he would have said, "You should stay in USA..." and later n an email tell me that I would have to be naked and that he does not believe my ant bite story... Good thing I have a better man than that, right??!?! 

   I mean that would just be insane and nothing like my man to tell me that he does not believe me when I say that I was bit by ants. Not only that to say that it is good that I got bit by ants... That would be more insane right??? 

  I am so happy I have a great guy that would NEVER say that to me... And would laugh how much if he heard how I was sitting on an ant hill, and got tons of ants all over my feet and how funny would have been to see me trying to get rid of them. I will post pictures of my day with my mom in a few hours. I took so any pictures with me and my mom that my battery went dead and her memory card went full!!! What a day implanted in my memory with my mom!

I had to post this!!!

I love finding funny this and posting them. I was looking today, upon a break from job hunting, at Wedding Dresses. I found something so hideous and funny I had to post it. 
  Rest assured, I will not look like a Crack Bride when I get married. (Yes... The Snuggle can thank me) I do however wish the horse came with the dress... I want one with a horse... That notion is a cool one

Look how she is slouching! Is that supposed to be really cool? Bahahaha! She looks like she is too tall for the dress and on crack... Makes me laugh every time I see it

I will not:::

Show you a picture of my broken toe. 
  It has been in pain for the last week now. I was standing in a 3 car garage and talking to my childhood friend (yes, in Eden)and Connor was playing with a skateboard. He was doing tricks and stuff on it and I was just about to tell him to not go near me with it because I have a fear of wheels around my feet (more like a phobia) and BAM! By accident the skateboard slipped from under Connor's feet and hit my left baby toe. I did not want to scream out in pain and I did not want to hurt his feeling so I whispered to Connor "Go out of the garage with that thing" and he was so sorry... I felt like I was going to die, the pain went up my leg and now it is weird looking. Baby toes are already weird looking. But now it is Uber Weird looking. It has not stopped hurting either... 
If you break a toe, here is a site to help you::: ouch, my toe

It hurts terribly and it hurts to walk. As the site says you might get arthritis but you know, I have it already. does that mean it will be more in that toe? My toe hurts.

How to decide...

I have chosen gray because it fits my mood right now. 
 I came here to USA because I have been wanting to spend time with my family and while I was here I was looking for jobs. On the outside you can see pictures of me having fun with all my family. You will see me going boating a few times, seeing my close friends and hanging out with them. you will see pictures of me 4 wheeling in Wyoming and shopping in the Gateway Mall, Target, and Walmart. I love shopping even if it is just buying groceries. I gave gifts to my friends from Turkey and I love Turkey. I have family there. 
  But what you don't see are pictures of me saying good-bye to Shahira and Connor and Rebeka and pictures of me crying. You will never see a picture of me frustrated with not being able to find a job. You can not see a picture of me kicking myself for not getting a B.A. in ANYTHING just to be able to flip hamburgers (because you know, people that have a B.A. are better qualified than people with out one for flipping hamburgers at Mac D's). I am not asking for a job that I am not qualified in doing. that would be insane. I would be an idiot to try looking for a job in something I have no idea how to do. But I have been looking for a job. 
   I can stay here and gamble and risk the chance of getting a job in a couple of months. If I get a job, Snuggle can come to USA and we can marry here. 
 But, I can go to Turkey and marry Snuggle, find a new job or take the old job I had last year under the terms that I will get paid on time, the full amount the Head Master owes me and that I will not be taken advantage of. We can get married there. But we have to come to terms that I will be alone in Çorlu and Cute Bear will be in Silivri. 
  This is a hard decision for me. Either way, Bear and I will be together it is just a matter of how we will figure it out. 
Snuggle Bear and I will be together just how will we work it out? Snuggle Bear wants to come to USA because he sees how happy I am. But I am happy with him too. 
  I guess I will have to continue to ponder this. It is really hard for me. I apologize to others with greater problems than I. I know there are people with much more terrible things and I am trying to not complain about my life. I am just thinking a lot and thinking out loud. 

This is me with Snuggle... how can I not smile around him!?! I miss him Terribly

I have decided to post pictures of my adventures

Best Friends since babies

Hiking in the Wasatch Mountains

Cute picture of Connor and Karon

Best Friends since they were 15 months old

Cousins on Temple Square

on a boat in Jordanelle

Jet Skiing on Jordanelle

Shopping at Gateway Mall

After the Movie we walked near the home of the Utah Jazz, this was near Trax

Finally on the Front Runner

When asked: Have you been on a train? Connor said Yes: At Disneyland

Finally sitting at Pineview Dam while a group went boating

He found a branch to jump off and into the water without hurting himself: Lemur Connor

Beka Wake Boarding: Got up on the first try!

So, this is kind of funny. It will be more funny

A couple weeks ago I was heading up to Eden,Utah with my two teenagers. I was meeting an old childhood friend and the teens were coming too! I thought it would be a total blast to go up on the Front Runner, as it is called here in Utah. The Front Runner is a train that  goes from Downtown, Salt Lake City to Ogden, Utah. I was really excited to go and it is not too expensive. for a group pass it is 13.00. That was reasonable for me. 
   Well, we had to walk from my parents which is all the way up near the Church Office Building. We had to catch the Trax (like an on the ground Metro) from about West Temple and South Temple near the Utah Symphony Hall is. (which is about two or three blocks West of me and about one and a half block south of me) I knew that because I was going to be gone for about 10 days I had to pack the lap top, (thanks snuggle for letting me use it here or I would be lost with out it!) and some clothes. I was trying to pack light because I did not want to have to carry everything an have it be a pain. I was thinking that everything would be OK because I had wheels on my suit case. 
  The Teens were not at all enthusiastic at ALL. The younger one (who turned 13 up at Eden) had already had to wake up EARLY to come to S.L.C. from Orem. She was not a happy camper to say the least. She had to leave Orem at 6:44 am. 
  So, we were walking to the Trax, to take us to the Front Runner Station (Also called Central Station) which is the only way as of right now to get to Front Runner. 
   Before I go further, my dear reader, I must tell you about the night before because this plays a big part in this story. The night before I had wanted to walk with Connor to Gateway Mall and buy Rebeka a Birthday gift. On the way we had decided to go to a move and see somethings, and so after the movie, I showed Connor that we will be getting on Front Runner by going on Trax and Trax will take us to the Front Runner. Now, knowing that, poor Connor thought that I was showing him The actual Front Runner Station, although I did not know that at the time. 
  So, I told Connor that we are going to the Front Runner Station, Connor said I know where that is, I thought he was saying he knew how to get there. Connor did not want to come with me because he said he was embarrassed that I was walking the city with a small suit case and pulling it. So, he was way far away from me. 
   Rebeka stayed by me and we ended up pulling it with it's wheels and using a leather strap from my D&B bag (thanks Dooney and Burke). I had asked Connor to stay by me however, Connor did not see why he should stay by me. We got to Trax, finally, and we waited for the Trax to get to the Front Runner. The Trax came and Connor had decided to get on way in front of the Trax and because I was tired pulling my suit case I had decided to get on with Beka in the back. As I got on the Trax, I realized that my wheel had broken off... So sad! I hopped on and said to Beka, "I hope Connor knows where he is going" to which she readily said in an irritated voice,"He does not, he doesn't even know where he is going!" I was worried but I thought he would see that I did not get off and that he would hop back on the Trax, but I was just hoping. We got off at the Front Runner and I felt so strongly that Connor was at the Trax stop at the Gateway Mall where I had told Connor the night before that we were going to Front Runner with Trax and there is a Trax stop at Gateway. I then hoped that he would get back on the Trax, and continue on to the Front Runner Station. Not only that but I had Connor's phone and Beka had her phone and I thought... he will not be able to call me!
   I waited and waited for Connor to come on the Trax, and while we were waiting, we walked to the Greyhound Bus station which was not far from Front Runner, and I thought I would put my suit case in the lockers there. But my suit case was two inches bigger and the entire area smelled horrible of urine. There was no way that I would keep my bags there. Beka was really annoyed and hot and wearing a hot sweat shirt (beyond me why she would wear a sweat shirt in 98 Degree heat!) and she was getting more and more irritated. Just then, Connor called me from an unregistered phone and said "MOM! Where are you???" I said I am at the Front Runner station, Connor where are you? He said "I am where you told me last night that we were going!" And so, I asked Beka if she would PLEASE stay there, sit on a nice bench and wait for me with our stuff because it is so hard taking things back and forth and back and forth... I said please Beka, I will go get Connor at the Trax Stop, and I will be back in 15 minutes not more. She started yelling at me, and yelled NO!!! DON'T LEAVE ME... She even at one point said "You are abandoning ME!!!" now, dear reader, we started that whole morning at 11 am and now it was 1:30 because of all the little set backs. All I wanted was for Beka to wait for me in front of the Front Runner while I ran three Trax Stops Away to get Connor and get right back on a Trax to reunite with Beka. Beka would not do this. I was really irritated with her but did not say anything. What irritated me was a Front Runner worker asked Beka what was going on and she said "My mom is trying to leave me to go to the Mall" I was really annoyed because it sounded like I was leaving her for going to the Mall... Of course I would not "LEAVE HER" and of course I was only trying to find the fastest and most efficient way to retrieve Connor and most smooth way. I was not trying to Abandon Beka and by all means it would take more time to have to bring Beka, who at that point was really loud with her anger towards her brother and wanting everyone to know that her brother was annoying her. I was annoyed really irritated with Beka at that point and the man said "Ma'am you can not leave your daughter" I just looked at Beka and said "Fine Come" and then when Beka tried to talk I told her not to. she said the most embarrassing things, she yelled "Connor should be Raped, and killed and we should leave him there, he does not deserve to come with us to Eden" that is a toned down version that she said though. Yeah... My cute little girl had officially annoyed me for the last time and I told her at that point to never talk to me if she was going to say that for the rest of the day, and just do what I say. We finally got to Connor and reunited with him. I was so happy and almost wanted to cry because he was safe! I hugged him and said I was so sorry that we got confused. Connor realized that it was the wrong spot when he did not see us get out of the Trax. He thought that when I pointed the Trax out to him that I was telling him that this was the Front Runner Station. I was just happy we were together. Beka on the other hand was upset that I was not angry at him and told him he should have been left there while we went to Eden on our own! (I was so angry at Beka for even saying that) 
   We went back to the Front Runner station and was just about to hop on the Front Runner when I realized that I had to have 13.00 in either 20 dollar notes, 10 dollar notes, 5 dollar notes and one dollar notes. I heard from a worker that you can not pay with one hundred dollar notes and that was all I had. (Emergency money from my dad that I got permission to use) And so, I begged Beka to be nice to her brother, while I ran to the Gateway Mall and then I ended up finding a Wells Fargo Bank to make change. I called my dad on the way and asked him if I could use the Emergency money for that and he agreed so I changed it and went back to the Front Runner Station on Trax. While I was on Trax heading to the Central Station a man sat on row and on the other side of the aisle of me. He turned around and said "MMMM!!! M-MM-MMM!!! Damn you fine woman!!! I say you FINE!! You Bea-U-TI-FUL!!" At this point I was trying to not make eye contact I I ended up looking down or out to my left window. The man said "I said YOU ARE Beautiful!!! Do you know I always loved you? do you know you are Beautiful?" I pretended to now him and he was louder and loudr and louder. I was trying to not listen to him. He was speaking like that for about ten minutes then he said "You don't love me like I loved you. You are pretending to not know me. I am not crazy you know. I stopped taking my pills just three months ago" I thought maybe he should go back. When we got to the station, he said "I am in love and don't know your name" I said the one and only thing, "That's too bad" and trying to get off the Trax, he started yelling "That's too bad? That's too bad?? That is all you have to say to me?? " I started running and a worker came up to the Crazy Man and I left and bought a ticket and went on the Front Runner with Connor and Beka... Hahahaha... How funny What a day that was. 
  We got up to Ogden at 3:38 and we were picked up from Front Runner at 5:15. We had a 40 minute drive to Eden which is nestled in the mountains, East of Ogden. It was a long day to say the least but all in all I really like riding Front Runner. Trax will be at the Airport in about a year from now. I am really happy for that. 
  I am happy to have that part of the day not repeated but I will say I will look back on the day and smile and remember it and laugh. give me a couple of months