I wanted to write about something personal, about me.
I have said over and over many things and many reasons as to why I am currently in Turkey but hoping to return to Turkey.
I would like to talk about a part of me that is very deep. Every real. It is my story. I will give it in parts. There is a couple of reasons for it. One being that parts of this takes an emotional toll on me. Sometimes it is because parts of it is length and I want to still write but keep my readers from being bored.
Why are my kids here and there and everywhere?
Well, I have been literally put on fire over this. Not only by outsiders, family members, people that do not know me and I have lost many good friends over this as well.
The following events are true.
I became a single mother in 2004 or 2005. I never planned it. I tried to stay in the marriage. For his ego, which was a pretty big one and I think it has to do with "Napoleon Syndrome", and just not one thing but 1,001 things, I became single. He would tell you that he was really great and how he tried to do everything for me and then you would think... Wow... This person was a B**** and even times I hear from others he claims that I ran off on him which is not true and even so far from the truth, but I think he feels better telling himself and everyone else that.
When I went from AZ to Utah, no job, have not been in the work force for years other than a Day Care I ran by myself, just barely the money in my pocket, and 6 kids and one Golden Labrador. I was scared and used to being comfortable financially and my kids were more scared than me.
I had my son, 15 who was now the one I relied on as the "Man of the House" and my Preisthood holder in the home. My second child a daughter was 14 and so sweet and just... happy all the time. My third child and daughter was sweet and spunky and the back bone for me, trying to make me realize I am a Phoenix, and then my 10 year old boy was just my baby boy and a daddy's boy but a mommy's boy too. My baby daughter was hardly 7. She was also spunky and a total mommy's girl. My sixth child was not mine with birth, but rather through legal papers in tow from my sister who gave me parental rights because she did not have a life that would be able to have a child in her home. My Golden Lab was my biggest baby and always insisted on sitting on my lap although he was 250 pounds and bigger than me when standing on his hind legs. We were a family. I intended to keep t as intact as possible. I needed to. For my kids. For me.
Well, I found a job which paid ok but in order to supplement I had to work extra in the Catering Department of the Hotel I was working for. It was good money. But, It was leaving me gone and in retrospect, too much. But, I had to take care of my kids, right??? I mean what do you do?
Well, things got really hard for me and my kids in the winter. My oldest son was more and more defiant to wanting to be in Utah, wanting to be in AZ and really resented that I had left a "good life and good money" with his dad that raised him to come to Utah where I could not buy a car for him and I felt horrible that I had no money to buy him a car for his 16 Birthday. I mean HORRIBLE.
Well, my other son was crying a lot and it was breaking my heart. I mean really crying. He missed his dad and calling him on the phone was not enough. My son's heart was broken. School was hard to concentrate and his grades were slipping. I ached for him.
I one day sat my boys down and explained them I love them with all my heart. Sometimes in families, Mothers have to make a decision that would give the children options, and that sometimes the options a child chooses, makes the mom sad for her but happy for her child to be happy. So, I presented the idea that, IF my two sons were to move back to AZ, the oldest living with his friends, and the younger living with his dad, they would have to promise me some things
1: Stay active in Church and Boy Scouts
2: Know that I love them and miss them and want them to come home anytime they want
3: Call me every week
4: Call each other twice a week and see each other once a week
5: Get good Grades, Stay in School and even get College Credit in High School to keep up on their studies.
6: Repeat EVERY DAY number 2
Words can not describe how sad I was, how I did not want to say those things to them but how I wanted them to be happy and do what was in the best interest of them
They chose to live in Az. My heart sank but I had to accept their choice.
I found a home for my Golden Lab. That was heart breaking too. Bear was my only child that did not talk back.
My son who I was legal guardian of but not birth mother to, was planning on staying just the Summer with a family member but I was told he would come back in the Fall with me and continue our family unit with just us three girls and him in the house. I sadly agreed to allow him to go for the Summer.
I found a way smaller house to accommodate the 4 kids and me, and thought that things were missing, a hole in my deepest part of my heart, but that things would get better, some way.
The end of the Summer I was informed that the boy I was Legal Guardian to was adjusting VERY WELL with the family member and according to another family member "better off than he ever was". Well, that was a huge stab in the heart, but, another part of my life was just steps ahead, and I was hoping for better times.
The home was very quiet. Too quiet. But, we girls got along. We had our fun days and did our fun things and we had our moments of hard times, too. There was an unspoken hole in all our hearts, but we are a family, and we are pulling together trying to stay together. At least we had us girls and the boys would come visit us from AZ anytime they could.
January my third daughter came home from visiting her father in the Middle East. We were in a store in Orem when she was telling me about how her trip went. And then she said how much she loved me and how deeply she feels connected to me and how there is nothing in the world that can stop me from loving her but how deeply she needed to know her father and his family and how I have given her the best 13 and a half years of her life, but she will be going to College soon and would that be great if she knew her fahter as much as she knew me and how she wants to see him everyday, too, like she got to see me everyday. then she said how she went to this school and it was a Private School, American with all types of children going there and how they went to interesting places and was very culturally diverse and how she would learn French and Arabic. And ended with, "Can I please live iwth my dad and I promise I will still always be with you?" and before I thought about anything; before I had a chance to say, "NO!!!" I heard myself with tears streaming down my face saying "Oh, my darling yes! Please, never forget I love you" and within 6 days, my daughters back pack was stuffed with a little piece of my heart that was little enough that no one saw it but bigger than that back pack she had as she waved good bye to me and boarded the air plane to her new life, and a life that I could never give her.
The next few months were sort of blur for me and my other daughters. We were a little beaten. We tried to be happy. we were just... Shattered but happy for the kids with their new lives. But, it was hard. I would stay home as much as I could to be with my girls. I stopped asking for extra time and over time to work. Time was spent more at home. But, I did not want to go anywhere. I tried taking my two girls places for fun. We would have fun, but we were still... Suffering inside and I would try to talk about it my second child, but she bottled up inside.
That Summer came and she wanted to see her brothers and thought that it would be a good thing to visit the summer in AZ and be a sort of
baby sitter for her brother and sister and spend more time with them, spend two weeks with her dad in California then head back up to Utah for school and with her little sister.
For reasons that I will not go into detail in this post, my finances went from Great, and Good and Doing my Best to at an ALL LOW.
that was OK. I was scared, but I had my two girls coming back for School. Well, I got a phone call from a hospital in AZ, telling me that my daughter had no idea who I was and had an accident. See, two weeks before that, she was riding bikes with her brother and sister and fell and hit her head, and she was knocked out. But, the kids said she seemed fine. She later went to Y.W. Camp (Young Women's) and there she was suffering from many things, heat, lack of shade, lack of water, stresses of the year, etc etc etc and she passed out but when she came to, she did not remember anything. The Hospital transferred her to a bigger and better Hospital in Tucson and there that Hospital tried to make me allow her to take An Anti Psychotic. and sedatives. I disagreed because the Anti Psychotic was also a narcotic and once she took it she had to take it the rest of her life. My daughter was not psychotic. She was suffering from Acute Mental Distress that was situational not because of anything else. The Hospital decided to take action against me and tried to throw me in Prison for "Child Endangerment" and so, I had my brother take me to my daughters room and show me everything that was a sign of a disturbed teenager, because my brother is a Certified and Licensed Psychologist and Family Therapist working with Disturbed Teenagers in Utah and one of the few that is qualified in his line of work. Well my brother sees that all the time in his job, and I told him, even if it hurts my feelings, please show me the signs. We went in her room. There were notes to her from her friend: "Hey, Ja*****, What are you doing?" daughter: Oh, nothing. English is boringgggg..... ZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzz... LOL friend: What are you doing Friday night? my daughter: well, I want to hang out with my mom. It is her night off. What are you doing? friend. Oh :( I was going to aask you if you wanted to come sleep over. My mom said it would be OK. my daughter: Well, Can you sleep at my house so I can hang with my mom and then we can do our own things too? Let me text my mom. She is way cool. Friend: Oh, OK. sure! daughter: My mom said what is your favorite pizza so she can call in before she comes home. YAY!! We will have a blast!!!
Her room was filled with Books Such as Harry Potter, a Holy Bible, A Book OF Mormon, and children's books. Her Music was mainly soundtracks from movies like Fiddle on the Roof (which she stole from my CD case) Mary Poppins, Sound Of Music, Night mare Before Christmas, and the all time favorite in our home: Mormon Tabernacle Choir. (REALLY A DISTURBED CHILD??!?!) My brother laughed at the accusations of my daughter's hospital and with my dad's help: She was released, to go to California and live with her dad because her dad had the insurance that helped her, paid the bills and if she came to Utah, the insurance would not cover it because he lived and worked in California. There was no other options for her health right? She had a team of 5 different Dr helping her with her memory recovery, helping her with her feelings and allowing her to express her feelings so that she realized it was OK to be sad about her family being torn apart, etc etc etc. She also has found well we found that she has seizures from time to time. We have been trying to get to the root as to why and we have been helping her with those.
Well that left me with just my little one and me. We were inseparable. We would do everything together and for other reasons beyond our control we moved in the same city limits and in a different school district but a better one. Well, it was me and my little one and we would do our best to see everyone in the holidays we could. They would come up and see me too.
I planned on coming here to Turkey just for 6 weeks. That was my initial plan.
I was going to come here to meet a person I was not sure how it was going to end up. I spent a lot of time talking and emailing and I wanted to see what this was all about, but I only had 6 weeks to spend. I was going to return and have a new place lined up and allow my baby girl to stay with her dad from the time I left for Turkey and let her wait out until school the next school year because six weeks was a lot and moving and shuffling was too much, but start a new school year, it seemed the best thing to do. I was promised my job when I came back. Well two weeks after I got here, I got fired. There is a "No Cause" law in Utah where they do not have to like you and can fire you for any reason. In another post, I will talk about the details, but, my dad was happy to have me leave the company. I on the other hand, was scared. How to get back to USA on my own, how to be with my kids and still have my Turkish Fiancee join me, this is all complicated and hard and difficult. One can look at my kids and say... Well, most kids do not get to spend time with their fathers, and I have gotten letters on my counter from people who are ignorant and jerks saying "You suck as a mom, You are the worst mom ever" and I have answered her, well this one in particular. I ignored the letter until I was at church when the self righteous woman came up to me and said, "SO?" I said "Excuse me?" she said, "Did you get the letter ı wrote you?" I said, "Yes" She said,"What do you have to say back?" I said, "I did not know how to say Fuck you, Bitch, in a tactful way so I decided to say nothing at all." I did get the gratification of watching her huge bigger than Jay Leno ugly chin drop to the floor, before I did an about-face then quietly asked the Lord to forgive me for saying those words in His House of Worship, but not Sorry for saying them to her.
Since then, I have been harshly judged, but, I have loving and caring people that stand at my side, and 5 children that although we are not a family in the conventional sense we are a family that desperately wants to be reunited. Many set- backs and many triumphs as such with any family have been along the way, but through it all, I do not write this as a pity me nor have I ever asked "Why God? Why my family?" but I do in my deepest heart of hearts and in my quiet times, ask, "When God? When is it my time with my kids again?" and then I ask, "Please?" but I know that there is nothing that can part me from my kids completely.
and I always Thank God for keeping my kids safe, providing me with a way to see my kids in the Summertime, and never giving up hope that I will find a job in USA and find a place for my two younger kids and me as the older ones are now in University. I want to keep the dreams that I will be working in USA and have a stable job, a simple home with the option of allowing anyone to feel like they can be welcomed in my home, and marry the man I love and live with him in the same home. I do no t think it is a big dream. But it is for me, and I just keep the faith that it will happen.
My biggest concern is my children. I always want them to know I love them and with all my heart. I also want them to know if I had a job and a place, I would be there in a heart beat. I also would like to add that I think it is good that they have a father who loves them and that it is important that even though you can not get along with your X that as long as the kids are in a good place, it is optimum to have a mom and a dad but if that can not happen, either parent is good. I want to also say that I never abandoned my kids and I hear this a lot. I never planned on this happening. I never would dream this on an enemy either. But, I will say that I have learned a lot about judging others and judging single mothers. I will never look at a woman who does not have her children living in her home with her and saying ANYTHING nor thinking ANYTHING negative because I know the hurt and damage and gossipy falsehoods that come from that. And: Pictures of me and my kids will follow. I can not wait to post them.
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