Covet Part I

I have always been taught that coveting is a sin. The bible says that when Moses came down from talking to God, he had a set of laws. The people, since he was gone in the mountains for 40 days, they were worshipping a Calf they made from gold, and they were reveling in their freedom, and when Moses saw the people, he broke the commandments that were given, said that they weren't ready for them, and went back to the mountain, and God gave Moses ten commandments, apparently more simple then the ones before. Christians are taught that when Jesus came, he gave the people laws that were more complex, and called "the higher law". Anyway. I don't know what number "Thou shalt Not Covet" is, but, I have never been jealous in all my life. In fact, I have always been happy for those who got recognition or earned something I wanted or didn't have. I have always been happy for others. I never knew what it was like when a friend of mine said "I got this"... and I thought "Gosh I wanted that more than she or he did!" 

Today I think, for the first time in my life I feel jealousy. Or covet something my friend has. In fact, I am annoyed and frustrated she has it. I also feel angry at myself, and shame for feeling the way I feel and I hate it, but I am still jealous and coveting her. 

Let me tell you what happened. Then you can judge me. (please don't judge me too harshly)
I have a friend who has been talking online to a guy for about 1 year and 6 months. The guy she had been talking to came from The Congo, went to Malaysia, and had been there for a couple years, working and going to school. My friend, last July had been telling me if she didn't get her online boyfriend here by the beginning of this year, she would have to stop talking to him because she can't live "like this anymore". I have spoken to him a few times, on Skype, and I supported all her feelings and thoughts about online relationships, and I thought to myself, "Well, hopefully she finds happiness and love". So, about 3 weeks ago, she wrote me about how I need to forget bringing my husband here through the U.S. and how I should just go to Canada, and meet my husband in Canada, and how I should just have a job there, and I would see my husband so much faster. I was not responding to her, and I didn't make her think I was going to take her advice, i just responded to her with an SMS that said, "Thank you for your concern." And a smiley face, sometimes a yellow heart after the SMS. 
Last week, I sent her an SMS that said I was thinking of her and hoped that her week was well, and I would like to see her soon. (I have most this week off). I didn't hear from her for a few days, and that is typical, I mean, she is busy. However, yesterday I got this message from her. It read, "I am sorry I didn't respond to you as fast as I normally do, YYYY is here, let me know when you want to meet him! (excited happy emoji)". When I got this message, I didn't open it. I just sat there. I can read the message without opening it. And I did a couple of times. In fact, I still read it. How? Why? 
(Forget those loaded questions, and do I really want to know the answer to them?) And so, I keep on looking at it. I didn't know what to think or how to feel about it. And I kept digesting this. Over and over. (I have too much time on my hands to think, I admit.) 
I was building myself a fire today and it came to me. I am annoyed. I am jealous of my friend, and I am upset at myself for feeling jealousy. I am angry and I am feeling ashamed at myself for feeling such feelings towards someone whom I deeply care about. I am shocked because I have never felt this way. As I sat watching my fire, I realized, I have prayed, so fervently, to bring my husband here. I have fasted God knows, (in the literal sense) How many months, for the well being of my husband and to bring him here. I have had many people fast with me and for me, to bring my husband here. I have paid thousands of dollars in fees, for my husband to come. I have wept countless nights, missing him, yearning for us to be reunited. How much I have wept. I never thought that a human body could produce so many tears. And when I am done weeping, I drink just to refill my cup with more tears. My husband remains faithful to me. I remain faithful to him. It is like that movie Lady Hawke, in which the man in the night becomes a wolf, and the woman in the day becomes a hawk. And then, there is a moment, where the sun and the moon are up at the same time, where it is dawn and the end of night when the two are human form for just a moment, and they see each other, but never to touch. Their undying love remains with them. And We, my husband and I, are able to talk face to face, but, it is with video chat. We can not touch each other, we are not really together but we are. We did not chose this, we chose to immigrate here, but did not chose this length of time to be away from each other. We would not wish this fate on our worst enemy. And yet, here we are. In this half life. When all of our friends around us can life to the fullest, enjoy and have the pleasure of being with whom they desire and when they desire. And we can smile, be polite and kind, and then when the once filled room is empty, and we are in the silence of our loneliness, can just think and wish and hope that one day we will be together. Is it a dream? Is it a night mare? Will we finally one day wake up and and be together all along and think,"That was a bad dream"? All of this and more, came flooding to me at once while I was looking at the fire. I was angry. Forget god. Take Him out of the equation. We are not together. Then, put God into the equation, as though God had anything to do with it. And we are still not together. So, let's say god does have something to do with our lot, that God knowingly put us apart from each other. That is cruel. What a cruel joke. Are we a pawn in His horrific game that we called life? Did he not care that this is humans suffering? And let's say this lot in life is just a "human chess game", what kind of God was I praying to? What kind of God do I believe in? Let's say that "I am learning something" Which I call bull shit. But, Let's say this is a "Deej And Long Rock has to learn something" Do you think for one second that in 10 years from now I will look back and say, "Boy oh BOY! those Good Ole Days when I was all alone, without my husband he was clear over on the other side of the world! What a great Laugh and Joke that was! I miss those days!" Nor can I ever say "I appreciate all this pain of not being with my husband." Sometimes it just doesn't make sense. Then, my next feeling was frustration. Why would God not answer my damn prayers? did I "do it wrong?" (pray that is) How could I feel like such a big pawn in this whole grand thing called life? Then I felt like, I don't want to see my friend, because I would have to hear how she brought her boyfriend here, and how fast and easy it was and how I didn't do this this or that. How could someone revel like that? Then I felt like "Why should I judge her?" And then I felt angry and coveting, and frustrated, and annoyed at my situation all at the same time.   Then, I felt annoyed with myself. Why could I possibly feel so much anger for someone else? It's not her fault. I should be happy for her. It was then I  realized. This is what it feels like to jealous. Not hate anyone, but, Jealous. She gets to be with her boyfriend before my husband is here. It took her just weeks to bring him here, and me? YEARS to bring my husband here. This is messed up. The whole thing is messed up. Am I right for these feelings? Am I wrong for these feelings? Is God a part of all this? Is He displaced in this? Am I being punished for something I didn't do in a past life or something I did do in this life? What of my in laws and husband? They could not be at fault for any of this. So, it is all me. In my hands. I am the one at fault. So, since it is my fault, who am I to be jealous or covet my friend and her human experience. But, this is my husband. He has a right to be here, and I feel it is not fair in all of this. Fair? What is that? What is fair for me is not fair for someone else, right? And What is fair for someone else is not fair for me. My dad always said, "If life were fair, I'd be King". (Ugh! I hate when my dad is right!) Well, doesn't my husband deserve to be King for the day? Do I deserve to be? Which lead me to ask God, for the first time in my life, "Why God, Can't my husband just be at my side right now?" 
And There was no answer. Just the crackling of the fire I built.