From Heartache and Pain to Light and Love.

So much has happened I don’t know what to say, nor where to begin.

  The Man I have been married to since 2013, and the one that is in all the revious blogs, had left me to be with another woman, about a year and a half ago.

I was filled with sorrow, sadness and rage. Anger. Lots of crying.  I teetered between sad and anger. 

I found out he had been cheating on me the ENTIRE time we were together. So, All the work of getting him here he had been with other women. I know of at least one, but there might be more. 

Then, I found out he got married a few days after our divorce. To the person he had been cheating on me for three years with. (When he first came here)

There was a lot of crying, a lot of him lying and lying more. There was a lot of him blaming me, typical of a narcissist. I didn't even realize that he was lying to me, and this is typical of people who are being hurt by these sociopaths. 

Now, Since I had realized that all this was happening, and I then realized that he kept stringing me along, making me feel guilty if I expressed my hurt and anger, I stepped away from the feelings I had and started analyzing me. 

HOW am I going to protect myself?

WHAT would I say to my daughters or my friends, sisters, if they were in the same situation as I?

Then, I thought about how I would try to remain friends with this person. I mean we were together for 16-17 years. 

This was a bad idea. 

This was giving this person a lot of leverage. For normal people, this would have worked out. 

But, his words were, I want to leave her, I hate her, I didn't want to marry her, I was just angry at you, she is hitting me, throwing things at me, she cheats on me, she has many boyfriends, she is on a date with many men, she has date apps on her phone, I tried to go on date apps and look for other women, I liked a picture on a date app that was her friends, and she got mad at me, I love only you, I always love you more than anything, you make me feel embarrassed about myself, you left to go to America, I didn't know I was going to go to America, You made me feel bad about myself, I love you more than anything, I want to come live with you, can I live with you, you are the only person I know in America. 

 

When he left me, I was excited to work on me. I had played the cello in the past, and a couple years ago for my birthday, my mom bought me a cello,. I was in search for a cello teacher. I thought, Well, I have my cello, my arts, my sewing, I will work on me. I was cleaning and getting rid of a bunch of things and Although he had filed for divorce, and was leaving me, He hadn't yet, and I opened my cello case. My world was crushed. He had broke my cello, smashed it up into 5 pieces! It was all that I felt was a part of me, and he couldn't just crush me, he had to crush my very soul, take away my cello, too! I cried and cried and cried over that one, and realized at that moment, that there is no going back. He had took all that was left of e, and destroyed my wings, too. 

 

Whilst trying to figure out my own feelings about all of this, I started feeling like I was not able to figure me out. I needed to figure out me, and how I was going to deal with all the hurt and pain, betrayal and sadness. 

I tried going on a few dates. From January through April. I could not make sense of anything, and on top of which I was working from 8 pm to 6 am. I was not in a healthy head space, at least I felt like I wasn't. I needed to find me again. 

 

I met a couple of guys that I would have gotten on with, but immediately stopped talking with them when I found out they were married! WTF is wrong with people and having to date whilst married, what idiots. 

 

I got a new job in April, giving me better hours and a higher pay. I loved it. 

In May, I decided to give my mom a couple months membership to a public pool that I have been going to since 2020. It is really nice and has an indoor pool, and some other really cool amenities, but I love going to the outdoor pool in the Summer. I was excited to get my sun time in, get into the Summer. June 2nd I was in an accident at work. I tore my rotator cuff. It was so damaged, I needed surgery! 

When I was hired on for the position at the new job, I had told the Company that I was willing to relocate, and I was willing to travel 90% of the time. I was alone, and I thought, this is a new chapter, bring it on! 

   About a Week after I hurt my shoulder, I was in my car with my mom. We were  driving in the parking lot of the pool we were going to. It was a morning I will never forget and is in my mind forever. 

I was telling my mom I would much rather be a lone than be with any man. I was through with men, and wanted to be alone. 

My mom suggested I go online, and I said, no. I did that with EX, no. I want real true love and I haven't found it, I am done looking. The man that wants to be with me forever is in heaven, and died in a battle in the 1500's freeing Scotland. I saw this man, Super TALL with his back facing us and getting his swimming gear ready to swim. I said, that guy looks cute, but my mom didn't pay much attention. I told my mom, walking to the building, that I was going to go out that night with a man, but the night before I found out he was married, and so I am done with dating and seeing men. The guy at the truck that was ready-ing his swim things, ran up ahead of us. I did not ever expect what happened next to happen. He opened the door for me and my mom. I looked at him and said, Thank you! My mom said, What a gentleman! He said, This is how men should be. And I said This proves to me that chivalry is not dead. He said, No it isn't, and all men should open the door, that is how my mom taught me to be. 

Since that chance meet, Mr PG is what I will call him, has been at my side. Well, let me be more crystal clear. Since August 29th  PG has been at my side, all sumer long we talked, I wanted to get to know him more. I was still leary. But then, One day in July I decided to tell a friend of mine what I was feeling about PG. I told her that I was manifesting to the universe that I no longer anted X in my life. I don't want how he treated me and all his lies, and I gave him my ALL and he did not love me, and I want to give PG a chance at love. 

All last Summer we ended up staying hours at the pool. He got a little sn burn a couple of times, oooh what we do for love! 

I will say, Thank you to the biggest fraud, and the biggest liar. I am so happy he broke my heart and he left me. Can you believe I would even say that? 

If he never left me, I would have never met teh most beautiful, handsome, masculine, tallest, amazing lover of my life, and, He is my soul mate. I could not say that about my X... I have the love I deserve! 

With pain, sorrow and lots of faith, there is love, light, someone that is seeking you. 

Rumi said" What you are seeking- The Universe is seeking you"

Well, okay. He said it more eloquently, but, what can I say? 

Love and Light... 

I hope this reaches someone who was/ is in the same position I was in last year. I want to give that person hope. There is good and love out there. Keep looking, keep seeking and don't accept less! 

Loves, 

Dee

 

Happy Christmas, World

I haven't said much about this topic lately, but, I think I will now. 
I haven't been shy in telling people that I have a birth father. He was not a part of my life, I mean, he was to a small degree, and I always wanted a relationship with him. 
Growing up was hard without my dad. I mean, I did have father figures in my life, but I always wanted a dad. My own dad married my mom when I was 10, and they had 3 more children together. My dad was kind to me, and he has become more and more cynical the older he has been getting. It's been hard. I never knew why my daddy (my birth father) wasn't around me. It was really painful. 

About three year ago when I went off Facebook (or was that two years ago) I started writing texts to my brother my birth father's son, so my brother. Just back and forth, hey, how's it going... That kind of stuff. Thanksgiving of 2017 my daddy called me! I knew immediately it was him! I was so happy! we talked for an hour and we started from that time on, to talking, texting, etc. I have been loving it. I have never spent a holiday with him. It's been a year and a month that we have been talking on a regular basis. about three weeks ago I was invited to go to my daddy's house to spend the Holiday season with him, his wife, my brother and sister! I will be going to his home tomorrow, and I will be returning in a week! I am really super excited about it. I have decided to let go the asking why I have not been able to see him for years, and I have not asked him why my childhood was spent without him. Will those answers really settle with me? I don't think that they will. But, there here and now, and not living in the past, being able to connect with him and learn about his life and family and culture, will help me find out who I am. Not knowing him is like not knowing who I am. I am really blessed that I am able to have this opportunity. My daddy and I can have a relationship now. We can do catch up and I can learn more about my Czech side of my family. I am really excited. REALLY excited. I feel that winter time is a time of rebirth, renewal, and I feel that this is the perfect time for renewing my relationship with my daddy. It is a beautiful thing. I know that it takes a lot of growth to forgive and let go, and move on and move forward.  I hope that anyone reading this has an opportunity to renew relationships and show love and kindness to the people around them. It is a good thing. We want light, love, and good things in our lives. 

Love and Hugs  to all those reading this! I will write more when I am in my (wont say where) daddy's house, enjoying the amazing time with my paternal family! 

AND: I Am Reviewing The PS4 TODAY!

Hello, readers! 

I wanted to talk about my new toy. I am really excited to have purchased my new PlayStation 4. It is making me excited to get the PlayStation Pro, when my husband comes so we can play together. 

Let me say, I am not a professional at all, and the point to saying this is I am not getting paid to say this, so, I am just saying my opinion about this product. 
Well, as usual, it was very easy to set up. I am currently playing The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. I love the graphics for this consul. I love PS4. I wish that I would have waited for the price of the Pro to go down, but, to my defense, I just couldn't wait to get the PS4. (hehehe) I love the PS4, and, upon playing around with it, I found how beautifully it captures the graphics of games. I really wish that there is a gaming consul that would be able to allow PS4 and PS3 games in one consul. Other than that, I am really impressed and I love my PS4. I have had it for a few months, now, and I am able to watch all my movies as well as streaming my tv series I like to watch. The quality is crystal clear I am really happy with it, and I think I got a great deal. I want to do more things with it, and I think that I am not using it to the full potential it has, and so I will be playing around with it, as far as filming and editing. I do need a new laptop, because my El Gato will not  
accept my laptop, as it says that I dont have the technology for my El Gato... So, I will have to see about that. 
In conclusion, i love my PS4, i think it is worth the money you pay for, the games are great, and the graphics are gorgeous. I see why people buy the XBox, but, I do prefer the PS4 over the XBox. 

Happy Gaming!!

Counting Our Blessings

I wanted to write something positive. 

 I think that oft times in our life we get so busy with work, school, family life, etc etc etc that we get bogged down and do not stop to "Thank God". You know, I have been taught all my life when someone gives you something you Thank them. 

This human experience we call life is so easily filled with negativity. I think it is so easy to feel down. The easy way is letting ourselves get caught up in how bad life is. If I were to count how many things did not go my way, I would would be here blogging for hours about the injustices of the world. But where would that get me? 

I have been thinking about this a lot and I have been praying. I asked God a couple of nights ago, please mind you in sort of a personal plea to Him, "God, for once can't I have a turn? When will it be mine?" and realized today... It always has been my turn. I need to make it happen for me, not because God does not want it to, but because I need to be accountable for me in my life and with that, I need to be Thankful to God, because He gave me life. He does not always sit up in the Heavenly Hosts and look down as if we were on a chess board. No, He created life and for us to appreciate little things. Those Simple Gifts He has bestowed upon us are things that can carry us, edify us, lift our burden, help others when they are in need, give each other love and we are the ones to make our lives move int eh direction of either up, or down. We use get our strength in God, our love from Him and yet, Thank Him because in the end He is the one that is there really wanting us to succeed. I feel in order to do so, we need to first acknowledge all the things we have and be truly grateful for those things. My eye sight, my world around me, the love of my life (Yes, You, Mr Long Rock!)  my health, my hands, my ears, my feet, my family, I get to see brilliant colors of the sunset and sun rises, I am given life. 

  Yes, sometimes life stinks and the news is unbearable, but, my faith in god makes life bearable. My being positive and finding good in such a bad world, that is a blessing! Me being happy and healthy, that is a wonderful gift and a Tender Mercy. God's gift to me. 

  As I write this tears weld in my eyes at the wonderful things that life has brought me. 

 MY life has not always been easy. Sometimes, very sad. But, I have found joy, love, peace beyond measure, I have found positive things in a world of chaos. I have found happiness in a world of turmoil. And I have family and the love of my life at my side to share it with. I have good friends and good people that I would say have make it that much better to live here. 

 The human experience is something we all are here on this planet to "Do". 

 God has not forgotten us. Have we forgotten Him? Our Creator? The  Being Greater and Mightier than Ourselves? 

 I am here to challenge my Dear Readers. Find who you are by seeking The Higher Being first. If It is God, or Buddha, or Shiva or whomever it is or whomever He is. As for me, I believe there is God and He knows that we are all here on this earth. I believe that we are here to love each other, strengthen each other, show kindness and warmth to all around us. I think that in the end, He wants us happy, and we have to find that happiness and love and kindness within ourselves. Then, we need to Thank Him. Because He gave us life. The greatest gift we could ever ask for, Life. 

May our light within us burn giving peace and thanks to all those around us. May we all seek for goodness, kindness and may we all give love to those we come into contact with. 

Not my picture. I found it and this inspired me to be grateful. If He can push a wheel barrel one handed... Well, you know. The original caption was in Turkish... It was to the effect of "When you think you have complaints about your job, here is someone that works and doesn't" or something like that.

Christmas Blues: How to Avoid them

I have another blog ad thought I would post this on here to hopefully help someone with the Christmas Blues, or Holiday Blues. 

It is the time of year, again where we are shopping for the Holidays. Christmas is a beautiful season, but to many it is frustrating, filled with Malls over priced and over crowded, people running round to get things done, and it is also the High Stress time of year. 

  Here are some words of advice about how to keep the Season Jolly with out getting the Christmas Blues:

I will not sign my name to this but I can help you miss the Christmas blues. 

First: don’t expect to be so happy. Overly high expectations are to blame here. Your natural state of happiness is dwarfed by high hopes of a season to be jolly. 

Second: if you are a prudent, thrifty, and responsible you will be dismayed by frivolous spending all around you. So learn quickly this cannot be stopped and console yourself that Christmas debt is the easiest of all debts to justify. 

Third: While music is a great crutch to pull us back from depression a steady diet of sentimental Christmas Carols does just the opposite. It is important to direct your seasonal selections to uplifting carols such as jingle bells, up on the house top, and Rudolph.

Fourth: Getting the holiday spirit does not mean drinking more spirits. Substitute the gym for the bar and fill the refrigerator with fresh fruits and vegetables. 

Fifth: You will find that those around you become absorbed with notions that take their attention away from you. It is best not to ask them to put you first for it won’t work and if it does you will feel guilty. 

Six: Christmas will add loneliness to the lonely if they don’t catch the Christmas Spirit. If they do discover the spirit of the one for whom the holiday exist, then they will become less lonely long after Christmas has come and gone. 

Seven: Many of us are unhappy to begin with so here is a chance to shine by knowing you will soon be joined by all those who soon will be contracting Christmas blues.

Eight: Don’t take days off and don’t use those holiday vacation days. If you keep busy by working overtime right you won’t even have time to get the blues.

Eight: Even though most who get the blues are adults the root cause is that they don’t believe in Santa Claus. The only known cure for this tragedy is to find a child and be a Santa Claus proving once and for all that Santa exists. 

Nine:  Notice that in so many Christmas stories thrust upon us there is a main character who has lived a selfish life. These stories will activate your conscience leading you down the path of self- deprecation. Here is what you must do. When first sensing a voice from your conscience, slip an unsigned note telling someone you are going to be their Christmas pixie. Then for 12 days do something nice. This will silence your conscience for 12 days before Christmas and with luck you will get back to work before you contract the blues.

Lastly: You might be lucky enough to learn that Christmas is not about getting more presents, partying, drinking, eating, time off, TV Christmas specials or increasing sales. If this happens and with good fortune you might be able to become a little more religious and notice; religious people don’t get the Christmas blues.  

I found this post

This was on my friend's Facebook wall and I thought I would share it. I liked it and totally agree with what this is saying. As A matter of fact, I have not regretted any of these things, but I was taught to live these principles long before, so I thought there might be some people that might like to read this here... The Happiness part gets to me because Happiness is really important to me

Top Five Regrets of The Dying

December 1, 2011 By T Kelly 60 Comments

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.  
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. 
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.