A Closer Look

This has been really bothering me for the longest time and I must say something about it. 
  Well, how do I begin? 
Let me start at the beginning. 
All my life I have been very self conscience. I have always been really shy, but never showed it. And I have always struggled with my self esteem. I lived in about 20 different places from the time I was just wee little until my mom married my father. (not my birth father). There are many contributing factors to my self esteem issues, and some of it I think is just part of my making.
  Well, When I was about 12, my self esteem was getting more and more critical and my mom could see it. For my age, I was taller than most children. I stood about 5'9" (1.752meters) and honestly, I was taller than my teachers. I was not a fat girl, really tall. 
  I was having problems with kids at school taunting me. Everyday. 

   My mom could see the signs of my self esteem effecting me. She wanted to help me feel like I could walk tall and give me some self confidence. So, She enrolled me in some modeling classes. They were not the "ooh you can be a huge model" type of classes. they were more of the "walk this way, turn this way, sit this way", and show the world you have confidence because people will take notice of this. There were practical things I learned. How to put on make up what to wear in a job interview, how to walk and stand with confidence. My mom was right to put me in those classes. She always told me that I was beautiful. She was not saying it like those mothers in Babes in Tiaras... She always said I walked so gracefully and just things like that. But I always felt like she had to say that because I am her daughter. Of course she is going to think I am so pretty! I am her little girl... right?
 Let me now talk about a girl I knew from the time I was in Seventh grade. So, that would make us about 13 years old. 
 Her name was Marilyn. Marilyn was my friend in everyway. She was funny, cute, very sweet. I really liked Marilyn and talked to her all the time. We did not have any classes together. Marilyn had Down Syndrome. She had to go to some classes to help her understand what was taught. But, she really was intelligent. She was also a couple years older than myself. I didn't care. I really liked Marilyn. I would get upset because people were really mean to her and teased her. Not around me though. 
 Many kids made fun of her and they would tell her she was not pretty. Oh how that upset me. It would make her cry too. 
 I would shoo away anyone that was rude to any of my friends but Marilyn especially. Who does that to anyone?
 Well, I survived High School and so did my friends. 
 I went through life, it just was inevitable to happen. Years later, about 20 years after high school I moved to a tiny apartment that was hardly big enough for me, yet alone my five kids but I did have one child living with me at the time and would you know: I moved right next door to two childhood friends. Marilyn who married her high school sweet heart, who is mildly autistic and highly functional. 
 Marilyn was in my home one day and I was getting ready for work. We were talking and I was in a rush so I told her to come to my room while I got ready. I was looking for something to put on when she was talking. We were talking about her favorite singer(Micheal Jackson) and she paused and said, "You know I have a friend at work that is really beautiful like you and me" I said "Oh Marilyn, thank you. You always called me beautiful. How can you say that so easily? I have the hardest time with calling myself beautiful." She said"Well, did your mom call you beautiful?" "Yes", "Does your mom lie? I know Sister Jensen, She never lies. But you trust your mom?" I said "Yes. And you are right my mom never lies." She said "Do you remember when we were in school and the kids were mean and made fun of me and call me ugly and make me cry?" I said "It always bothered me, Marilyn. It was horrible." She, in a  matter of fact tone said,"Do you know that I was angry at them and cried not because they called me ugly, but because my mom always said I was beautiful and my mom never lied. They were calling my mom a liar, Dena. That was so mean to tell me I was ugly when my mom was not lying. I am beautiful" 
 Here I am, 20 years after high school still struggling with my self Esteem when someone with Down Syndrome has a better self esteem than me! How amazing that Marilyn could know something so easily. She taught me so much about myself and I learned a lot about her too. 
 If we can see ourselves for what God or the people that love us the most, we would think differently about ourselves. 
 If we knew our daughters or sons thought badly about themselves, we would want to come to their side and tell them... You are wonderful! You are beautiful! And wouldn't you wish that he or she believed you!? I am sure that that is how God feels when we hurt our bodies and cloud our minds with bad thoughts about ourselves. 
 As Marilyn said... My mom doesn't lie. Why don't you believe her?
Do I have enough trust in someone to believe that what they say is true? When you look at yourself in the mirror, is your daughter around? Is she watching you and looking at herself too? Does she grab her stomach or butt like you do and say..."If I did not have this fat right here I would look sooo much better in these jeans" ? Does she tell you that she is ugly? Do you know what she says to her friends about her weight? What she feels about her body? Do you think that your sons do not have anorexia? Did you know that Athletic boys get pressure to be slim and trim? Did you know athletes are pronged to being anorexic? Sometimes bulimia? 
  I wish I had Marilyn's matter of fact self confidence, and sadly I do not. But I am lucky and bless I was able to have that conversation with her that day. 
 I hope that upon reading this you remember that you are beautiful. God does not create junk.