Head Injuries through My Observation

Dear Readers;

     About three months ago I was in an accident at work. I was getting juice out of a trunk style deep freezer, and the door slammed on my left side of my head. I do not remember much of what happened after that, I do remember the following

  I was in deep pain when it hit my head, because there was a metal lock poking out of the door. This part hit my head. 
I notified my boss within five minutes after it slammed on my head, telling her I have severe pain. 
I went home that night with increasing pain
I know I went to work the next day, and I don't remember much of that day. It was on a Thursday, and it was Saint Patrick's Day, and I know I spoke with my with my family because it was my granddaughter's birthday.
I know Friday, the 18th was my day off, and I went to the Dr on that day because I thought I might have had a concussion. 

I was diagnosed with a concussion on the 18th of March. 
I continued to work until the night of the 22nd of March. It was becoming too much for me to work, and so I started getting Dr. notes saying I could not work. I got a note from my job saying I needed a note from the Dr saying tha tI needed a note to come back to work. 
On the 23rd, my pain was so bad, and I realized I could not get my words out properly. I started stuttering on the 22nd but it got worse on the 23rd. I went to the ER because I was told by my Physician that their C.T. Scan machine was closed, and I needed a C.T. Scan. And so, I went to the E.R. as directed from my Physician. 
At the E.R. I was diagnosed with Post Concussive Syndrome. (P.C.S.) I found that of all the reported concussions, 15% of those people suffer from P.C.S., and of those 15% with P.C.S. only 1% suffer from the speech and severity I have. So, in essence, I won the Lottery. I just won the WRONG Lottery.. (Yes, that was meant to be funny.) 

I have in the past, as a child, had some things that have probably perpetuated my stuttering. I did indeed have a small stutter problem. It was more profound when I was away from my mom, but as I got to the age of 10, I taught myself how to not stutter because I sat and watched a documentary on the B.Y.U. channel about kids who stutter. I was excited with this information, and asked my dad to bring home a book from the B.Y.U. Library (He was a professor in the Psychology Department). My dad did bring a book home and I began to teach myself how to not stutter. With just a few techniques, I was able to hide my stuttering and I was able to keep it under control. Every once in a while, it would resurface. The times it would come to light was under emotional times: If I was upset, annoyed, angry, frustrated, extremely happy or excited... Those times it would resurface, and I would have to go back to the techniques. In no certain circumstances did I ever recieve help from friends to get my stuttering in check. I want that point  to be clear. 

As I got older and started having kids on my own, that is when mystuttering was tried to the very intense extreme. But even then I was able to keep it in check with humor, and I knew my kids were just trying to see how far they could get me to stutter. (Regular kids stuff) 

Now, back to my injury. 
I have noticed there are a couple of people I know personally, who to no fault of their own, are continually focused or even hyper focused on my stuttering. In fact, they are insistant that I need to be cured of my stuttering and right away! It is as if I have some good wishers who really think I just turn off the stutter. Even, has gone as far as said that "Well, you know the techniques from before, you can use those techniques now!" 
I just want to say to all my readers who know someone with P.C.S. or Traumatic Brian Injury (T.B.I.) a few things I have discovered about myself, and I think some of these feeling apply to those with T.B.I. 

We are the same person in our brain

We feel like in our head, we can do everything we could do before the trauma to our head occured. We just can't execute what we feel, think, understand sometimes. We are in there. We can not get us out. We wake up every morning with either no sleep, lacking sleep or rested completely thinking, today is it! We can do everything we could do before. But, when we get out of bed, and start on our day, we realize, we aren't 100% the way we were. And we are saddened, frustrated, and begin to doubt ourself because we don't feel normal but we are the same person, yet, not. 

We are frustrated

It is frustrating being our normal self and literally the next day or within hours of our head trauma, we are not. It is more than frustrating. It makes us want to scream, cry, hit a pillow. We want to be our before-the- accident- selves! We want that so badly. We know we are as I said, the same inside, and yet, different because of hte head trauma, and it is frustrating. We still  look like the same person. When we talk to others or others talk to us, we may even sound like the same person... (exception of severe cases like my stuttering, but most people don't have that) So, we get more frustrating because people don't understand what we are trying to get out of our heads. We end up shutting down and going to our own reclusive place because we are so frustrated and we feel like people say "I understand" but they really don't. 

The trauma to our head wears us down

Think of this: Mind, Body, Soul. All connceting together with the world around us. Everything spins in perfect order. There is a balance in all things. Then we get T.B.I. and it changes everything. How? Our brain is connceted in every function of our organs. From the way we breathe, to the way our kidneys function, and every sense we have, we are told what they our from our brain. We smell chocolate chip cookies in the oven baking, our brain says that is what they are. We read words and know what they are, because our brain tells us what they are. We have an itch, we scratch because our brain says "I have an itch" we don't notice that our brain controls our breathing, when we blink, everything is controlled by our brain. So, a person gets T.B.I. and it's game change and all the sudden we are thrown completely off balance. We can not think clearly sometimes, emotionally we can't handle it, not because we aren't able to but our brain is over stimulated. Light kills our head, we hear ringing in our ears, we feel the ground shake when it isn't shaking. (Yes, that happens to me often) We sometimes can't smell the same we used to. Because of the smell, things we used to love doesn't taste well. (I taste blood and metal: try to find something appetizing with blood and metal) Cucumbers now taste like rotting dead fish. I LOVE CUCUMBERS (yes, i cried.) So, this wears us mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and yes, our spirit feels broken sometimes because sometimes people just don't understand that about us. 

We want to get better

Sometimes I have heard of me, that I use my T.B.I. as an excuse or a crutch. I think the thing is here, is that people who knew me before and now, just don't really understand what T.B.I. is. They don't realize that it can be pretty serious, and that people can heal fromo it, but sometimes it takes a year, sometimes three years, and sometimes three months. Neurologists don't know when someone heals, and why it varies from patient to patient. Most people with concussions with in a couple days after the head blow, they are fine. Football players (American Football, my readers), are one of hte highest risks of getting T.B.I. and it is rather ignored in High School or Grade School, about the risks. You know parents, when you sign that form before your son plays American Football, the fine print might have a warning of T.B.I. and that is a risk you are willing to give your child. Other sports are Boxing, Wrestling... Actually let's save time. Any or ALL contact sports. And then there are other things. The more concussions you get the higher risk of T.B.I. My grandpa was a Pro Boxer and won many boxing matches. My grandpa also got lots of blows to the head. He did in fact get Alzheimers. The Doctors now  directly relate Alzheimers, and many other Neurological prpoblems with many concussions and even T.B.I., in some cases. This doesn't mean that you will get it, but your risk of many demenetia and other problems can be the cause of T.B.I. Us people with T.B.I. want to get better. We don't want the frustrations and the stress, we want to get better. 

Memory loss is very common with TBI

I've got an excellent memory. I never had a problem with my memory. I have to write everything down, and I write the most important things on a mirror with a Dry Erase Marker. for me, this is the easiest way to remember. There might be other ways for my readers to remember. I have tried using my smart phone to do the helping me. I am old fashioned. I have to write it with my hand to remember better. But, that is me. Some of my readers might have to type it in their notes in their smart phone. I use my smart phone for other things, like how to get home, in case I forget, which can happen. I also use an alarm to remind me to drink water (recall, I have no hunger, thirst, nor full feelings, at least, my brain can't tell me those things, right now). So, it is frustrating for both the person who has TBI and those family members that say over and over... OK you need to be here at this time this place, and it is very possible too much information that they are taking in their brain, cannot allow them to compute so many things at one time. I once had a conversation on my messaging with my mom, my sister, a friend, and two of my daughters, all at the same time. In a normal situation, I can multi-task, and answer everyone all at once without skipping a beat. I have noticed that This is not the case. I got so frustrated, I became incoherent to everyone I was talking with, and no one unerstood me, nor did I know what to think or say. I was coherent to myself! I had to stop, write everyone, I was having a moment of not undderstanding everyone, and I was confused. I asked each one of my conversations to please give me a minute to gather my thoughts. All the while I was crying because it was so much, I could not understand why I felt overwhelmed, and I felt just exhausted. My mom, friend, mom and sister understood. I focused on one person at a time and was able to pull myself through it. Everyone is different like I said. Maybe some poeple with TBI can function better than me, or some not as well as I (I don't think I am fuctioning that well, but I am trying). So, I ask to please be paitent with your loved one if the person is suffering through the TBI. It is sensory overload sometimes, and it is easier to get through those times when there is patience involved, which is the hardest part of all this, Patience. But is works, for me. 


Stuttering or speech problems 

As I stated earlier, my stutter is directly relation to the P.C.S.  
People who have T.B.I. and have a speech problem relation to the injury, have to have different Speech therapy than that of a person who has an impediment from a Psychological issue. Also, it is good to note that the metal lock did not split my head open. It is a closed head injury. They are treated in speech therapy than those who are suffering with TBI who say, have suffered an open head injury (a bullet in the head for example) There are many other varibles, such as nerve damage and where it is, what nerves are damaged, the list goes on. So, that is where speech pathologists come in. They can acertain how to approach the therapy. Sometimes if it is too severe, the speech may not return to normal. I say this because I get many comments from well wishers, "You taught yourself before, come on! Just say it!" This is never helpful. Because I stutter one word in one sentence, and the next sentence I can say it better, it's not because I don't know when to not stutter. It means the word before or the word after doesn't roll or flow off my tongue easily. In fact, it is really hard for me to use words together one syllable or three. Also, no, I can not sing, and please don't ask me to. I miss singing, I miss talking, it was my livelyhood (I translated for a Turkish boy from English to Turkish and vice vera) I can not get my English words out. Turkish is more flowing because it is a medolic language and English is a gutteral language, and so I can speak Turkish Ok, but it is in another part of my brain, too because it isn't my first language. It might be different for someone else in all of this blog. Everyone is different and every symptom is different to a TBI. 

In any casse, I hope this helps someone out there either suffering with a TBI or you're reading this because you have a loved one with a TBI. If you have an questions directed to me about my condition, or want to know more of how this is all coming to place for me, you can certainly leave a comment below, I will answer you based on what I am going through, which hopefully can help you in return. 

Peace Everyone!