"Hunger" Strike

I have no hunger pains. 

I have other pains the past few months. One being a very impenetrable heartache of not seeing my Husband in 2 years 10 months and 2 weeks. 

I can't take it any longer. I can't eat. I have no joy in anything. I have woroked so hard to bring my husband here and I have done everything that has been asked and required of me because I have been working so hard to bring my husband here. 

I can not tell you about how many tears I have cried. As I write this I continue to cry. Just tears streaming down my face. I have not seen my husband in so long. I think of my husband. He has done nothing wrong. He has loved me and been faithful to me as I him during this whole time we have been married yet, not been together as we have been trying to be living together as husband and wife. This is our RIGHT as me being a Citizen of the United States Goverment. 
But, am I really sacrificing anything when I don't hunger, I don't thirst? I think it's my body just saying, "You can't take this any longer" (this being my husband and I being separated so long, it is effecting our mental well being) 
I think the worst part of this is my husband's soul in despair. This kills me. Has anyone read the book or seen the movie 'LadyHawke'? It stars Matthew Broderick, Rutger Hauer, Michehlle Pfiffer, and John Wood. It is of a man and woman who are cursed, and at night the Captain turns to a wolf and the Hawk becomes a woman, whoever right at the break of dawn, the Captian becomes a man, anad the woman becomes a Hawk. It's heart breaking because there is just seconds of their inbetween time where they barely can touch when they are both transformed. I feel like this is myself and my beloved husband. I keep praying and saying, "Ok, God, it's ok tko punish me for whatever I have done in my life, but, stop pnishing my husband." This is not fair to the most loving and good man that I have ever known that is not a family member. In about three weeks, It will be three years that we have not seen eachother and I am just trying to bring my husband here honest and the right way. 
What angers me are people that come here and cheat the entire system. I don't know how to lie, even if were the death of me. My husband is the same way. We just don't know how to lie. 
So, we wouldn't know where to begin  to cheat his way here. 
So, I call this a hunger strike, but is it fair to call it that when how can I feel hunger or thrist without my beloved? It's just probably my body breaking down and telling the universe I can not function without him. that is what it is. My body can not function without my beloved husband. I force myseslf to drink from time to time for the health of my kidney. But, there is celebration, no colors in my world. Everything is gray until I have my husband at my side.
I told a friend of mine whose friends with a Senator who I just honestly have determined that no one cares, that I have impenetrable sorrow. It is constant. I hate the question "How are you?" I hate hearing it, because I want to say, "What do you think how I am? My husband is not here, my life, my love is not with me, and he is in a very difficult place to live right now, do you really want to know?" 
My husband asks "How are you doing?" and I can tell him, those conversations are only for me and him. 
In the culture there, I can't imagine what he is going through because people can say, Well you have not seen her for three years. there is a lot of bad sigma along with this situation we are in, and now that there is turmoil in Turkey, who knows when we will see each other. It is most depressing. 

Hold your loved ones, my readers. Never let a day go by without telling your loved ones you love them. Time is precious. 

Open Letter to Shah Rhuk Khan

I am sure Mr.SRK will never read this, however, after what happened to him this past weekend, I am compelled to write this. 

Dear Shah Rhuk Khan, 
  You have never known me and most likely, I will never have the honor of being graced by your presence, however, I am compelled to write this to you. I truly hope that you continue to come to our country. The reason why, is because we need more Muslims here, not less. 
  You see,Mr Khan, and any Muslim reading this, us Americans are broken. This has nothing to do with you, and this is not a religious problem, although people will love to say it is. It is easy to put religiion in any equation, however, most Americans don't realize how dangerous this is. 
I am raised Christian, ("Mormon" to be exact), I have a Muslim daighter who is half Syrian, and I have a husband who is Muslim, and other children who are Christian, Agnostic towards any Dogma at all, and I have concluded that it is important for Americans to stop this ignorance and realize that people are just that. I, as an American, am constantly being pulled aside in the airports. You see, my daughter who travels around the world, is always getting asked many questions also. I recall one time I was flying with her to United Arab Emirates, and they pulled me into a room and pulled my daughter at the age of 14, into another room. She asked me before she went in the room without me, "Momma, what do I say?" I said, "Be resepctful and be honest." What does a mother say to someone who has this 'authority over you whilst you're just trying to travel'. 
My daughter moved out of the state we reisde right now because of the horrible treatment shse recieved and lack of protection that the Administration, the Teachers and Faculty of the schools would not give to my daughter. Indeed, we have had our frustrations living in hte U.S.A. with the most ignorant, blinded people, and sadly, the media here fuels this. I have seen it in Turkey as well, and my husband sees it everyday presently, as USA is blamed for every wrong thing with the world.
Maybe it's true. Maybe everything that is wrong with the world is because of the USA. 
  I have seen, in my humble human experience, the worst and the best of any culture. 
I will say the best of my culture here in America is we are still really naiive. This can be a bad thing or a good thing. But, sometimes it is an endearment, that is according to Europeans, really annoying, about Americans. We have a tenancy to believe everything we see on the Tele. We just do. 
Now take that and welcome to the beautlful state of Utah, where it is the White Collar Criminal Capitol of the USA. (you could even say the world). You could sell us Mormons here, a visa card that will feed 1,000's of starving African kids from your rewrds points, and we will buy as many as those as possible. 
We are sorry, though. I am speaking for many Americans when I say this. I know MANY Americans that love other culltures and people and religions. I will speak for myself when I say I have become enchanted with Bollywood 4 years ago when I first saw your movie clip/ music video of "Chaiyya Chaiyya", and fell in love with the song, and of course had to watch who this man, Shah Rukh Khan guy is. And I have not stopped. If I could have a sit down conversation, I would think that we would have lots in common. I would also have many questions too. 
  If you feel better, Senator Ted Kennedy was also on the TIDA list, as his name has been used as  alias. I think that would make you in good company, how you look at it. (I presonally am not a fan of the Kennedy's at all, though I love Maria Shriver, and take her side on what her husband did to her: Boo, Mr Swartzeneggar (sp) 
I hope you continue to come to America and often. We Amercians need to be more compassionate, and I myself and truly saddened and annoyed that of all people THE SRK had to be detained. You are also in the same position as a person I know who was detained in London Heathrow Ariport for 12 hours (yes: American, and Muslim)
  Please come and visit USA often. If you ever make it to Utah, I shall make you chay,(Turkish) and read your coffee grains. 

Peace, people of the world, and sorry to all the travellers from outside the USA who have to deal with a lot of garbage just to visit. 

Another Shot in the Heart

The Government said I have to find a Co-Sponsor. 
Thank you USA. You will allow illegal aliens here, yet, U.S.Citizens aren't allwoed to bring their spouses here. 

I hate illegal aliens and I hate that our country allows people to have Citizenship if they are born here. Screw that!!! Get them where they hurt!! If a baby is born here from another country, they are not allowed citizenship!! That has GOT to be a law! I freaking hate how people came here through lying, cheating and running in here thinking they are entitled to things. Guess what illegals, you're not entitled to jack! Go home and let LEGAL people come, like my husband. If you don't like what I say, then go get your own blog, and write about how love illegals to come here and steal our jobs. Yes, we can live just fine without the likes of you! 
Be sure to invite I.C.E. to read your blog, too. They will come and visit your home also. 
Yes, I have called I.C.E. on some people that came here last week, saying how they are bringing their wives here and how they have been here for a month (SERIOUSLY???) I will continue to call I.C.E. on anyone who is here illegal. It is not right at all that I am a citizen and can't have my husband here and yet illegals have their families here. I hope they continue to deport the jerks here illegally and I don't feel a bit sad for them at all.. Once you step foot into our country without doing it legal, you have committed a federal crime against hte U.S. Government and no you are not entitled to jack crap. 

Untitled

I guess as an artist, if I could describe everything I am going through in one color I think I could say very easily that I would be decribed in my "Gray Period". 
Again, today, I had no hunger pains but did eat once, and I have noticed there is nothing enjoyable in my life. 
  So, as I sit here, I think I am in such a period in my life, I think I can easily say, it is my gray, colorless, life. Just, grays. When everything is colorfula nd illuminated, it will be when my husband and I are reunited. 
  Nothing until there can penetrate into my heart. I have minutes in time where something will make me smile or happy, but, I am so done with trying to be happy right now and looking for the silver lining. Somedays, like today, I say, Nope. There is nothing happy, nothing that will make me smile. How can I? The one person in my life I want to share whatever is making me smile is not with me. 
it is as though something cold has rushed into me and on me, like a frozen rod slowly creeping over me, starting from the very tip of my head and slsowly ran to the bottoms of the tips of my toes, and I am cold and hallow. 
I thought I would feel it only a couple weeks and I thought, I won't feel like that again. Oh thou little fool! It is not just when I am going through a couple of weeks ago, however, again, today and I can't get rid of it anylonger. I am not ignoring it. But, my readers, it's is impenetrable sadness. I will not let it stop feeling this way until I have my beloved at my side. It is just not going to happen. I am so done with this. Every where I go, I just feel the same. The grayness, the coldness, and then the impenetrable sadness. Sometimes I think can I cry any more than I have? I think the tears can't come anymore. I have no more water in my body to cry, and then it comes again. Once I drink, my tears come back to me and flow in a steady stream down my face. 
I have accepted these feelings. I see them as mine. There is not one person in the world that knows exactly when I am going through and no one will ever try. And I know that people don't even begin to understand how I feel. I am fine with that too. But, I am also done with people saying tehre is something out there that has all the answers. It is just not true. 

Sorry, guys, Nothing happy about that. 
Cheers. 
Phelange

Facebook Detox Complete

Hi, Readers! It has been a couple of weeks since I have been on. I know, I know, I need be writing everyday, I just had to go in my cocoon for a while to regroup. 
I have not been on Facebook for 5 months now, and I must say: I don't miss it. I don't miss people complaining. I don't miss people being rude. and I certainly don't miss what people write about what they eat, and I don't miss selfies, unless they're a family member. 

I am not missing it at all.  Facebook is so out anyway: Be cool, get off Facebook. 

Peace, Readers!