Can you imagine

Years ago... sometimes it feels like a life time ago, I would pray for something and it was like everything was written in the clouds. I would not really get everything I want, but I could see the future. I would either dream a dream and see what will happen, or I would read the scriptures and it was like a raod map to where I should go and what I should do. Sometimes I would pray and ask God what should I do and I would dream an angel telling me what I should do and where I should go. Us L.D.S. "people" say the "veil was very thin " for me. 
   One day I was ill. I was living in a really nice home and working tons and had all my children with me. I had my sister's son with me too, whom I love just like my own and we were a happy family, just really I was working so much. 
  I was really ill and needed to not take time off work so I called my dad to come up to my home and give me a Father's Blessing. My dad asked me if there was anything I needed and I said I just have to get better so I can work tomorrow. My dad blessed me and in the blessing he said,"Dena, The Lord loves you so much knows what you want in your heart. However, to make you more beautiful and make you more strong, he has to take one of your gifts away from you, for a time. This means that you will not be able to know what lies ahead for you but you will be able to trust the Lord more. This will only be for a time, but you will see taht you will have to go to the Lord and seek Him more" I thought... What? You mean... I will not be given answers to all my questions like before? HUH? 
   I cried and cried and asked my dad to please do the blessing over. I said a few times, Please, Dad... Please do a do over. My dad hugged me and he said, "Welcome to mortality... You are now a human like everyone else." He hugged me and told me everything was going to be OK. 
  I told a close friend of mine about the blessing ans she said, "I was always jealous of you having that Gift." I simply replied,"You don't have to be anymore." 
  What would happen if I would have known that a year later I would be living in a smaller home, and working for a new company, that paid more but I had to work more? What would have happened if I would have known that at the time my 16 year old would go live with Friends in Az and finish off school there but come see me only on holidays? What would have happened if I would have known the my nephew would never live with me again... Which I can not tell you was a huge trauma for me and my family that he never came to live with us.  Or what if I would have known that a few months later, I would have been asked by my daughter if she would go live in United Arab Emirates with her Father whom is Arab? What would have happened if I saw that I lost my job and because I could not pay off 5,000 Dollars in debts that I would have to file for bankruptcy and it was the most humiliating and a huge trauma for me? Or what would have happened if I saw that my 10 year old son would have wanted to go live with his father for2  years but it has now been 5 years. What would have happened if I knew that I would be living in Turkey away from Jasmyne, who ended up living with her father in California? 
  First let me say something loud and clear. 
 I am not whining about what life is like for me. I am just wondering what would I have done to try to change things as they are now? What would have been my reaction to knowing all that will happen now? 
 I am trying to think would I try to change how things are now? What would happend if I tried to change things but never met Snuggle? 
   I am thinking of how my life is and how my response is too. 
 I have the worlds most amazing kids and I really mean it when I say that. I say that because when I  was working and they were all living with me, They would help each other and stay together. They relied so much on each other. As one by one they moved out of the home to live with thier dad, sometimes not wanting to to but knowing that they needed medical attention (like Jasmyne) or they wanted to but did not want to hurt my feelings (like Shahira) they all have a deep love and loyalty to me and to each other that I have never seen in siblings in my life. They also have a deep loyalty to me too. 
  I hope they know with every once in their bones that I love them. Deeply. I want so much to live in USA and have a good job there that I can support myself and my children. 
  I have wanted this all along. 
 I was thinking the other day if I would get a chance to get a job near Jasmyne's school and she could live with me if she wanted or she could come see me how much that would make her feel like she is not alone. Or if I lived in Utah how awesome that would be if Connor had a choice of living with his dad or me. Or Beka... How wonderful it would be if she would be able to live with me again. If she wanted. If not she could visit me in the Summers with Connor.
 
  I one day when Shahira went to live with her father, received a letter on my counter top. (aside the fact that it was from a woman that had the privilege of speaking to me for only 10 minutes and that she barely knew me can we say Breaking and Entering??) She wrote to me that she felt I was the worst mother in the whole world because I allowed my daughter to live in the Middle East, and that I had my daughter who needed some care from a Doctor that I could not help her with, She took it upon herself to tell me that. 
   I told nothing to her. I just finished working on my house, waited for my daughter to come home from school and then I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep. When I went to church I never spoke to her. One day she came to me and asked me whet I thought of her letter. I said "I did not know how to say #%&K You B+%&/ in a nice way so I thought I just would not say anything at all" and I turned away and walked out of the chapel. Let me make another clear point. I went right to the Bishop and told him I was sorry I said it in the chapel and that ı was not sorry for saying that to her. I also told a Catholic Priest once and both times I said 10 hail Mary's and prayed the Mormon way and asked god to forgive me for saying that in the Chapel but that I really should get off a little easy because of my honesty in the fact that I am not sorry I said it to her... I was told by the Priest and a Catholic Minister and The Mormon Bishop that I was forgiven. I did meet an Episcopalian that it was just a funny thing I said... But Hey... I am honest about it. I know it was wrong for me to say that in the Chapel. I told my dad he laughed and tried to tell me it was wrong of me to say that in the Church but I said .. You said in the Church... but not on the street. He just laughed.
around those people. they already feel uncomfortable enough because they feel like with all the family getting together, ours stands out the most. My mom is wonderful at making the kids feel comfortable but there are limited people beyond that that they feel welcomed in their homes and even hardly want to share their lives.   I doubt many people know how proud I am of my kids.  I think many people are even agnostic about my being a mother and even go to great lengths to avoid me. 
   But My point to all of this is do we try to change fate? 
  Would I have tried to change fate to be with my kids longer?
 None of us have a crystal ball, and can see what will happen all the time. 
  What have I learned? 
   I am not as judgmental. I am more kind, I am more compassionate to those around me. I seek God's comfort more than I have in my life time, ever.  
 I am more empathetic to those I see, and I know that my kids have a deep love for me. 
My kids know how much I want to live in USA with them and they know how much I hate being away from them. My kids are loyal to me and we are a different family because we have miles in between us but we have a lot of love. 
  We are trying to over come a lot being here, and My children have a full knowledge of my love for them. There are times that I have cried myself to sleep and times that I have had just cry days. Snuggle has been through all the good days and bad days and even the days that I thought I was going to emotionally fall apart. He has been there to comfort me and hold me up. He has spent countless hours holding me and telling me how everything will work out. 
 I don't know how things could have worked out ... But would it make a difference? Would my love for my children change? would my love for Snuggle change? And things are the way they are now... Have I become a better person? Has my children ? Has God helped me? 
 Yes. God has. I can say things are bearable. I can go about three days with out crying when I miss my kids. I can talk to them on skype with out crying for 10 minutes. But I do get really teary eyed when I see them. I want to cry, but I want to keep a positive upbeat heart for them. 
  Is it hard? My life over the last few years have been hard. Bad life? No, not at all. 
 I hope there are women that I can help. they can read my blog and see that I am a good mom that has had life happen and things did not work out as I wanted it to but I am doing everything I can to find the right way and the best way. For me, my kids and snuggle. I keep is positive so that I do not cry and so I do not lose hope. That is all I have : Hope. and Faith in God that things will be ok. 
 Today they are.